Shame on me … it’s been months since I’ve posted. I’m still breathing, kicking and screaming (okay the last two I do in my head — more than you know).

The beauty of our chaotically imperfect lives is that regardless of where (literally and metaphorically) we are there is always layer upon layer to explore. Sometimes we get stuck until we remember to change direction, and then we get lost before we find our way to the next stuck or next oh wow.

Living in post-typhoon Guam is teaching me a lot about how I navigate my way through this process.

On the one hand, it’s amazing how quickly life bounced back, on the other woefully slow.

I left mid June to spend much-needed time with my family. Oh my goodness that in itself is always layers of joy, nostalgia, love and guilt for living so far away — always that damned guilt, especially when I am homesick for the place that is home but not really. Please do not confuse guilt with regret. I do not regret this life; it feeds my soul as much as my love for my children. It’s simply a mix of worlds within worlds.

Anyway, I loved my time home with the kids and their families. I also loved the too short time with close friends. That said when I boarded the first of my three flights back to Guam, I was ready. I missed my life there.

In just a few weeks the jungle returned. I’m still amazed at how quickly the vegetation grew over the wreckage. New vines and leaves have woven themselves around broken trees and somehow made them stand tall again. The chickens are back — not in the same amount they were before, but the babies are bobbing all over the place. I am blessed again with the scent of wet plumeria during my walks to the beach. Our beach, however, still has a long way to go before its shade returns. I guess it just took too harsh a beating.

Upon returning I decided it was time to discover the world that lives under the water I love so much. I better appreciate the phrase you can’t teach an old dog new tricks because holy hell I struggled learning to scuba dive. I dreaded every step of it, and I so badly wanted to quit. Other people take a 4-day course and they’re diving with friends by the following week. I started with that same course, but Joe and I ended up doing extra private lessons with our instructors because let’s face it fat folk float (who knew?). Older folk also don’t like letting go of their fears and realigning their instincts. The act of scuba diving is actually quite easy, but the learning to trust you won’t die is a whole other thing.

But this fat old dog finally figured it out, so screw you no-new-tricks cliche. I still struggle with my fears (trust me I have trust issues with myself), but when I’m under and find a sliver of zen, I pay attention and I see that fish and turtles have facial expressions. I’ve seen more than one give me the WTF are you doing look, some taunt me, some are amused by me, some, surprisingly a shark, fear me, and oh my goodness there’s so much more to see. I’m not yet sure I love it, but I am so ecstatic I’m getting to see this other world. I hope I keep doing it because there is soooooo much more for me to discover (lol and yet I’m terrified by that as well).

So, why am I here writing on a gorgeous Saturday afternoon? The man-made part of post typhoon recovery isn’t rebounding as quickly as nature’s work. We’re still having frequent power outages, which I’m sort of okay with (I’ve got a fantastic balcony to sip on), but our internet is definitely a test in patience. Long story short I’m waiting once again (lost count) for a visit from the Internet guy. Considering it’s after 3 p.m., and I told them I have plans at 5, I’m thinking another day will be wasted tomorrow — although I’ll do it at the pool with friends. I’ve discovered that like much of my species I am definitely addicted to the many different escapes the internet provides. And, it’s making me quite pissy having to fight for it. Although, I’m not really without since I can tether my phone — so call me hot spot princess — it’s just slower and an extra click or two of energy (and, well, not always stable).

I also have books, walks, friends and so many other gifts to get lost in.

How lucky am I to experience all these glorious worlds. Thank you to the powers that be.