Well, the stress is.  This upcoming week, my school is being evaluated by an outside agency.  At this stage of the game I am so out of my league.  Nothing has properly prepared me for what I am doing now.  For the first time in my life I don’t only feel but know I suck at teaching — not all of the time, just now.

I could list all the reasons why, but that’s not important.  What is is the fact that no matter how much you read and try to prepare for this you don’t really know what you’re in for until you’re in it.  This isn’t going to be a long bitch, complain, woes me post.  It is, however, a reality check for anyone reading this who wants to come here.  It is really tough at first for all sorts of reasons.  Of course it is also really wonderful.  Basically, it’s a totally bi-polar ride until you’ve figured out your way.  Some of us don’t, and some decide the way is back home (don’t worry I’m not leaving yet, but I do understand why some decide to go).

I’m trying really hard to do what I need to do, but it’s a struggle.  The good news is I’m good at putting balance into my life. Last weekend and this weekend was/is all about work and trying to be as prepared for this big inspection as I can be — the whole time knowing that I’m not going to be any where near the list of top performers (but I will try).  BUT, once this eval week is over I will most definitely go out and do something fun.  And, I did fit a little fun into this weekend with a dinner party at a friend’s house and breakfast the next day — so it’s not all poor me.  I cannot wait until I can play more with my friends next week!  It will be what gets me through these next few days.

So there’s the stress of trying to learn a new way of doing what you thought you knew how to do, and then there is the homesickness.  I absolutely love my apartment and the friends I’m making, but I sooooo miss my home, my family and friends, my dogs, my life I knew.  There are days when I can’t look at the calendar because it just feels too long before I will see all of that again.

But, then I remind myself of all the reasons why I came here, and they’re still valid. I do still want to do this thing, and I do know this painful part of it will pass.  I think I’m typing this blog as a mini therapy session for myself, but it’s also a warning to those who are thinking about doing this (if you’re like I was you cannot get enough of reading other people’s experiences).  You tell yourself you’re tough and optimistic and all those good things, so you won’t suffer as much as others.  But, you do.  It’s part of the process, and that’s okay.

I don’t like sucking at my job (and I hope I’m not as bad as I feel I am), but I do know I’m getting a whole different perspective.  I’m so out of my comfort zone right now — and not liking it at all — but I know I will learn and grow from this.  Hopefully, my students will too, and I think they will.   If nothing else by the end of the year they’ll know I didn’t give up on them or myself — and that has got to mean something, right?